Tropic Thunder (2008)

Easy. Big-Budget. Mediocracy. (EBM)

Final Verdict: No matter how much I try and avoid this movie, there's always someone who hasn't seen it yet or someone who wants to watch it. Unforutunately, it's only mediocre at best. There are some humorous moments between Ben Stiller and Jay Baruchel, but they are too few and far between to make the film enjoyable. If you must see it, you might want to fast-forward until the end because the last twenty minutes are actually pretty amusing. However, please try to skip this star-stutted, lackluster film.

Spoiler(s): Tom Cruise makes an appearance, and proves once again that he is one of the best actors/break-dancers of all time.

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 82%

"Everybody knows you never go full retard."-Kirk Lazarus

Caprica (2009)

Lifeless. Boring. Nostalgia. (LBN)

Final Verdict: Battlestar Galactica was interesting and thought-provoking on many levels, but what drove the show the most was the interactions between the characters and thier connection with the audience. Caprica, on the other hand, has some pretty neat science fiction elements, but the characters are so boring and void of personality that it's hard to care for what happens to them. The nostaglia and TV references may keep your attention throughout the movie, but not enough to come back for more. It will only serve as a stark reminder of the great TV series which is no more.

Spoiler(s): There is some nipple in this film and it's female. Fuck yeah!

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: N/A

The Nanny Diaries (2007)

Typical. Girlish. Tune-out. (TGT)

Final Verdict: It's not a romantic comedy, but it's definately a chick flick. It's about discovering yourself, the responsibilities of motherhood, falling in love, and other (boring) life lessons. It's generally pretty plain, but has a few chuckles here and there you keep you interested. Scarlett Johansson, while not a bad actress, is nothing extraordinary, and she basically carries the film by her looks. Your girlfriend may find the story cute and amusing, but if you bleed testosterone like I do you'll probably find yourself daydreaming about tanks and ninjas instead of actually paying attention.

Spoiler(s): A college graduate goes to work as a nanny for a rich New York family. Ensconced in their home, she has to juggle their dysfunction, a new romance, and the spoiled brat in her charge. There-- I just saved you ninety minutes.

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 33%
"There's a common belief among anthropologists that you must immerse yourself in an unfamiliar world in order to truly understand your own."
-Annie Braddock

The Wrestler (2008)

Insightful. Expected. Tragedy. (IET)

Final Verdict: This may be one of those times where the hype from critics actually leads to a disappointment, even undeservedly. I rented this flick because of all the critical acclaim it was getting, but in the end it just felt like another rehash of an all-too-familiar story (i.e. washed-up hero is down on his luck and looking for salvation). There's nothing new or original, everything's predictable (even the ending), and the entire story can be summed up in one or two sentences. It's a good film, but from the all the attention it was getting I was expecting a lot more. Given most of the positive reviews however, it seems I may be alone in my opinion. :)

Spoiler(s): Marisa Tomei was hot when she was younger and she's hot now. And her boobies look nice. And her butt too. And her body. And her face is pretty. And I'm sure she's smart... or at least can play someone who is smart. So suck on that, Megan Fox.
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 98%
"When you live hard and you play hard and burn the candle at both ends... in this life, you can lose everything you love, everything that loves you. Alot of people told me that I'd never wrestle again, they said 'he's washed up', 'he's finished' , 'he's a loser', 'he's all through'. You know what? The only ones gonna tell me when I'm through doing my thing, is you people here. You people here... you people here. You're my family." -Randy "The Ram" Robinson Antonio

Attack of the 50 Foot Woman (1958)

Short. Awful. Dated. (SAD)

Final Verdict: The simply fact about this movie is that it is bad. And not good bad. Bad bad. It's short (an hour long), the dialogue is weak, and the special effects look terrible (i.e. the 50ft characters are half transparent). I'm sure there is a large group of people that love this movie for it's concept or because it's so cheesy, but I'm not one of them. Given that it's so dated I'll give it some kudos for attempting to visualize something difficult at the time, but not enough to recommend it.

Spoiler(s): I hardly saw so much as a side-boob. Fairly disappointing. I expected at least a few upskirt shots, but whatever.

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 70%
"Astonishing growth!" -Dr. Isaac Cushing

The Day The Earth Stood Still (2008)

Environmental. Visual. Eh. (EVE)

Final Verdict: Because Hollywood has completely run out of new ideas and must rely on modernizing or updating films of the past, we get a remake of a popular sci-fi movie from the 1950's. The orginal film was essentially a moral story about war and peace, but the remake focuses heavily on environmentalism and global warming (albeit very subtlely). In the beginning it's amazing how alike the old and new films are, but about halfway through the story finally begins to diverge. And while the original film uses dialog to progress the plot, this one relies heavily on special effects; neither strategy works out particularly well though and both seem to settle for a level of mediocracy. I think the original is clearly the better of the two, but this remake is enjoyable as long as the viewer goes into it with very low expectations.

Spoiler(s): Klaatu is still Klaatu, and Gort is still G.O.R.T... the universe can rest easy.

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 19%
Polygraph Operator: Do you feel pain?
Klaatu: My Body does.

Shanghai Noon (2000)

Similar. Average. Comedy. (SAC)

Final Verdict: This movie is just a repeat of the Rush Hour series, albeit with a different comedian (Owen Wilson) and a different setting. Don't get me wrong, it's not a bad movie; Jackie Chan and Wilson both perform their parts well, but it's just not original. In fact, it's so unoriginal it's almost insulting. I did enjoy the film for its merits however, and it's a fun way to spend a couple hours. Just don't expect anything new.

Spoiler(s): [Insert Rush Hour 1, 2, or 3 spoiler]

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 78%

"I don't know karate, but I know kar-azy, and I will use it!" - Roy O'Bannon

Drillbit Taylor (2008)

Slow. Average. Copy. (SAC)

Final Verdict: Take Superbad, remove the R rating and replace each comedian an with uncharismatic, overacting kid, mix in You, Me and Dupree, and throw in a formulaic plot about high school bullies and social outcasts and you've got Drillbit Taylor. There are some genuinely funny moments involving Owen Wilson, but they are few and far between and aren't worth more than a chuckle. Furthermore, the teenage actors (Nate Hartley, Troy Gentile, David Dorfman) are stereotypical and boring, and I hope to never see them in a film again. This movie isn't an autrocity by anyone's standards, but there are much better comedies out there.

Spoiler(s): N/A (it's hard to spoil a movie that's been done a million times before)

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 26%

"Crap on a shit sandwich!" - Drillbit Taylor

Hellboy II: The Golden Army (2008)

Weird. Artistic. Uninteresting. (WAU)

Final Verdict: If anything , the artistic direction in this film is absolutely amazing. The characters look unique, creepy, and out-of-this-world, while the environments and scenes are so breathtaking they practically steal the show. Unfortunately, everything else falls desperately short. The plot is drek and non-sensible, while the characters are so uninteresting and lack so much chemistry between each other that it becomes tiresome and frustrating to even care what happens to them. If you need to waste some time, there are better movies for that. Don't even bother with this one.

Spoilers: Hellboy is gonna be a father-- does ANYONE care?

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 88%

"I can turn my back on the whole world... as long as you stay with me." -Hellboy

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (2007)

Long. Aimless. Boring. (LAB)

Final Verdict: The length of this movie could be cut in half, and it'd still be too long. Every scene contains a dozen dramatic pauses, and each seems to drag on forever. The acting is great and the ending is cool, but everything else falls short. Don't waste your time.

Spoiler(s): Jesse James is assassinated by the coward Robert Ford.

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 75%

The Brave One (2007)

Dull. Formulaic. Unorginal. (PFU)


Final Verdict: I struggled to stay awake in this lackluster thriller. Simply put: it's been done before and it's been done better.


Spoiler(s): Jodie Foster is gay.


Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 43%

Eastern Promises (2007)

Slow. Boring. Awkward. (SBA)

Final Verdict: Five minute scene where Viggo Mortensen flashes his junk everwhere. Skip this. It's really disappointing.

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 89%

30 Days of Night (2007)

Visual. Bloody. Okay. (VBO)

Final Verdict: There is an equal amount of good qualities in this movie as there are bad. If you really like zombie or vampire films though, there's a lot you'll enjoy about this one.

Spoiler(s): No nudity-- what a letdown.

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 50%

Grizzly Man (2005)

Weird. Interesting. Real. (WIR)

Final Verdict: I thought this movie was gonna be two hours of some lumberjack fightin' bears and choppin' down trees...but alas, I was wrong. The story was interesting and the bears were awesome, but the grizzly man is really f***ing creepy. I would pass this one up.

Spoiler(s): The actual "grizzly man" is a little psychotic.

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 93%

The Day The Earth Stood Still (1951)

Simple. Human. Moral. (SHM)

Final Verdict: While it’s message about war and conflict clearly stands the test of time, the rest of the movie falls short. It’s a great film, don’t get me wrong, but by today’s standards it’s very simple and formulaic.

Spoiler(s): The alien’s name is Klaatu and his robot’s name is Gort. Those will be the names of my first two children.

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 93%

The Heartbreak Kid (2007)

Simple. Formulaic. Sub-par (SFS)

Final Verdict: Not bad if you just want to pass the time, but I can't recommend it. There's an unshakeable feeling of "been there, done that".

Spoiler(s): Carlos Mencia is in the movie. He sucks.

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 29%

We Own The Night (2007)

Good. Surprising. Anti-Climatic. (GSA)

Final Verdict: Joaquin Phoenix, Mark Wahlberg, and Eva Mendez deliver excellent performances, but the movie itself never moves beyond your average police drama. And be forewarned, the climax was a bit of a let down.

Spoiler(s): The movie opens up with a ranchy sex scene involving Eva Mendez. This alone warrents at least a rental.

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 54%

Alien 3 (1992)

Entertaining. Conclusive. Mediorce. (ECM)

Final Verdict: Not nearly as good as the first two Alien movies, and just a mediorce conclusion to the trilogy. See this if you want some resolution, but don't expect it to match the atmosphere of the original or the intensity of the sequal.

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 32%