Zombie Strippers (2008)

Desperate. Mindless. Shit-fest. (DMS)

Final Verdict: Zombie Strippers is like watching a softcore porn movie where all the sex scenes have been replaced by stripping montages, and all the crappy dialog has been replaced by heavy metal music and more crappy dialog. The acting was awful, the jokes were primitive, the script was boring, and the visual-style/directing was amateur at best. The only thing that could possibly feel more used and abused than me after watching this film is Jenna Jameson's diseased vag.

Spoiler(s): The climax of the movie occurs when you realize that Jenna Jameson is just a dumb, talentless freakshow.


Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 40%

Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story (2007)

Hilarious. Catchy. Spoofy. (HCS)

Final Verdict: Take note 'Epic Movie', this is how a spoof movie is supposed to be made. The script is funny, the actors are top-notch, the music is catchy, and the references are clever. You can't beat it.

Spoiler(s): There are A LOT of cameos in the movie, but the king of comdey himself, Will Farrel, does not make an appearance. Really makes you question the current direction of the movie industry...

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 75%

Beowulf (2007)

Gory. Heroic. Fun. (GHF)

Final Verdict: The film doesn't do anything radically new or different, but's it's a fun way to spend an hour and a half. The computer-animated graphics were pretty cool, but the most fun was trying to figure out which actors the characters were modeled after.

Spoiler(s): There's a lot of computer-animated nudity.

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 69%

Eastern Promises (2007)

Slow. Boring. Awkward. (SBA)

Final Verdict: Five minute scene where Viggo Mortensen flashes his junk everwhere. Skip this. It's really disappointing.

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 89%

Rambo (2008)

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Violent. Mindless. Short. (VMS)

Final Verdict: Great movie if you love Rambo, killing, or both. Leaves you wanting more.

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 32%

Top Gun (1986)

Eighties. American. Badass. (EAB)

Final Verdict: This movie defined a generation. If you're looking for a good time, look no further.

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 42%

Mad Max (1979)

Cars. Stunts. Revenge. (CSR)

Final Verdict: I may be partial to cheesy seventies and eigthies flicks, but I thought this movie kicked ass. It had just the right mix of action, drama, suspense, and destruction. Check it out.

Spoiler(s): This movie was basically remade in 2004. I won't say what it was, but it was punishingly good.

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 95%

First Blood (1982)

Psychological. Relavent. Climactic (PRC)

Final Verdict: I've always been skeptical of this film, because (1) John Rambo is a vietnam veteran fighting county cops and (2) the death toll is really, really low. However, after viewing it again, I've come to the realization that these apparent "flaws" are essential to the film and actually make the plot deep, meaningful, and relavent. In fact, it may be the best Rambo film of all.

Spoiler(s): Only one person gets killed in the movie...imagine that.

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 84%

The Omega Man (1971)

Seventies. Heston. Legend. (SHL)

Final Verdict: This is the 70's movie adaptation of the Richard Matheson novel, "I Am Legend". It suffers from many of the same problems as the recent 2007 remake, but unlike the new version it's not riddled down by obnoxious religious undertones or crappy CGI. Plus, the ending is visually more pleasing and symbolically more thought-provoking.

Spoiler(s): The antagonist in this version is a deranged, mutant cult instead of the blood-thirsty, vampire army of the 2007 remake.

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 61%

Seven Samurai (1954)

Innovative. Influential. Incredible. (III)

Final Verdict: This movie does so many things right that it's nearly impossible to list them all...so I won't. Just go see it.

Spoiler(s): There's a lot of "butt" humor in the movie. If you're into that, well, enjoy.

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 100%

30 Days of Night (2007)

Visual. Bloody. Okay. (VBO)

Final Verdict: There is an equal amount of good qualities in this movie as there are bad. If you really like zombie or vampire films though, there's a lot you'll enjoy about this one.

Spoiler(s): No nudity-- what a letdown.

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 50%

Grizzly Man (2005)

Weird. Interesting. Real. (WIR)

Final Verdict: I thought this movie was gonna be two hours of some lumberjack fightin' bears and choppin' down trees...but alas, I was wrong. The story was interesting and the bears were awesome, but the grizzly man is really f***ing creepy. I would pass this one up.

Spoiler(s): The actual "grizzly man" is a little psychotic.

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 93%

2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)

Visual. Intelligent. Philosophical. (VIP)

Final Verdict: You're either going to love this film for it's bold style and deep meaning or loathe it for it's long segments and slow pace. If you ask me however, I think it's pure genius and clearly ahead of it's time (especially the visuals). Please check this one out-- it's a vital piece of movie history.

Spoiler(s): There's a ten minute scene during the last thirty minutes of the film that's nothing more than an extended lazer light show. So in other words, people "trip" to this movie.

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 96%